


Empty Vessel

by Milly_Blank



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Catra is made Prime's vessel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prime!Catra, Psychological Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25825123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milly_Blank/pseuds/Milly_Blank
Summary: Adora failed to save Catra from Prime's ship. Four years later Catra wakes up in Brightmoon.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow & Catra (She-Ra), Catra & Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra & Razz (She-Ra), Catra/Glimmer (She-Ra)
Comments: 35
Kudos: 313





	Empty Vessel

_Perhaps I'll make her my new Vessel...though she would not last me long..._

Catra sat up with a start. She felt her chest heave as she let out shuddering gasps. She lifted her hand up slowly and ran it through her miserably short hair. Wait--She was lifting her arm. She was in control. She suddenly whipped her head around, desperate to make sense of her surroundings. This wasn't the flag ship. 

She shakily pulled off the thin blanket wrapped around her legs and staggered to her feet. Her hands trembled as she desperately tried to cross to the door. She had to find a place...somewhere where it felt real. He wasn't in her head...the silence was deafening. 

Her claws, clean and sharp, scratched against the wall as she desperately opened the door. She didn't recognize the halls. They were bright and colorful. The presence of natural sunlight made Catra hiss quietly and cover her eyes.

All four of them. She had four eyes. She knew it. She had felt every second of the extra set's installation. She was uncertain if she still had the physical ability to cry but if she could she assumed she would already be by now. Her claws dug deeper into the soft stone walls as she slowly dragged herself down the hall. 

"He--hello?!" Catra's voice felt strange in her ears. It's been so long since she got to speak words she could control. Words she wanted to say. She had no feel for the cadence of her own voice anymore. His voice and her's was the same for so long. ..She had grown so used to hearing her own voice say the most detached and cruel things. Hear her own voice conduct cleansing ceremonies, admonishing clones....levying out death sentences...

Catra dropped to her knees and started to vomit. Green bile lurched from her and splattered on the clean white floor. "Hello!!??" She screamed through spit and mess. Why wasn't she allowed to cry?

"Catra?" She heard a gentle voice ask. Then she felt hands touch her. She crumbled to the ground and squeezed into a ball. The hands went rigid and then they left her. But she felt someone near her. "Catra...It's Glimmer...do you remember me?"

Flashes. Memories. Some her's. Some...his... Glimmer was Brightmoon's queen. An Etherian. They fought....so many times....Memories again. Some were her's...some his...some of it was her hands acting his intent. His rage in her hands. She could never remember if that was real or some strange mingling of two different lives forced into one. 

"I remember you..." Catra let out stiffly. "...Is...is he gone?" 

"Yes."

"...Good..."

* * * * * 

Catra sat at the edge of her bed and ran her nails against the, now inactive, connection ports in her chest. Four, three-inch- wide holes placed two by two under each collarbone. There was also one set along her neck, she felt those ache. They always had. He used them many times a day to interface with his ship's information hubs and to more intently interact with his clones' hive mind. The lower four were for...maintenance. He performed all these tasks, seemingly not feeling any pain. But Catra felt it. 

Watching the fabric of her shirt dip into the crevice of one of the maintenance ports she could still feel some strange numb pain. It was ache through plate glass. Glimmer was sitting in a chair by the door, just watching. Catra couldn't tell how long it'd been. She still felt like she was somehow still vomiting on a marble floor. Her claw pieced her shirt in her next exploration into her dead wound. Glimmer winced as she watched Catra's finger disappear into her own chest. 

"Catra?" Glimmer had her hand out. 

Catra turned her head slowly to fully look at Glimmer. She froze and looked Catra in the face. The queen tried to smile but it was clearly to hide discomfort. "Yes, Glimmer?" 

Her brow furrowed and her eyes grew sad. "I'm glad you're back...We...I--was so scared we lost you..." Glimmer's hand found Catra's and she gently lifted it away from her chest and held it gently. 

The sensation of another person touching her in gentleness made Catra's stomach twist. She wanted to say something to thank her, but those words felt impossible to discover. Instead she simply turned her four eyes to Glimmer's and asked, "How long has it been?" 

When Prime has complete control time is meaningless. Sense of self ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels like being a paper doll, posed and pampered for the pleasure of someone else while hours wash away. Sometimes you feel every waking second like pins were prickling your back, keeping you ever vigilant. The visceral sensations in her hands when she'd punish someone still stung in her hands long after. Even beyond the lingering pain. She's certain he's broken several of her bones and just made her deal with the pain...

Glimmer let out a long miserable sigh. Her eyes dropped to the ground. "...Four years..." She said, barely above a whisper. 

"Hmm." Was all Catra could manage to say. She turned her attention back to some far off empty space in front of her. She couldn't tell if that sounded like an eternity longer than it felt or if she had hoped it all was an eternity. She was punished so cruelly she somehow felt it was perhaps some unending cosmic torture. An ancient irony meant to teach her some obtuse lesson about obedience or some such thing. 

Glimmer stood up and sat next to Catra on the edge of the bed. She laid her hand on top of Catra's. She was still trembling. Glimmer looked off in the same vague far away place in the room as Catra and just sat. They sat like that for a very long time. 

"Did you need something to eat?" Glimmer asked quietly. Catra looked over at her. She registered the look of unease that clearly came when Glimmer tried to look her in the face. Glimmer coached her expression back into a bland, sad smile. 

"No. Food sounds....unpleasant right now..." Glimmer gave a slow nod before turning her attention back to the spot in front of them. 

* * * * * * 

That evening Adora found her way to Catra's room. Apparently she had been in Plumeria since that morning and rushed back to Brightmoon the moment Glimmer told her Catra had awoken. Adora's knock on the door was quiet, but frantic. Catra simply said for her to enter. Glimmer had dozed off in the chair by the door and the room was only lit by the groups of decorative crystals reflecting the light of the moonstone. It gave the whole room an eerie dark purple hue.

Catra turned to face Adora, who stared at her with tears in her eyes. "Good evening, Adora." She took a sharp breath in, seemingly expecting a different reception but, she smiled anyway. 

"Catra." She said the name with warmth. Catra felt some strange sense of gratitude for that. Being an abomination outside as well as inside, she knows that warmth will certainly be fleeting. Adora sat on the bed, her body turned to face Catra's. "I've missed you so much...can--can I hug you?"

Her tail twisted and slammed against the mattress a moment. "Yes." She let escape her lips. Quickly she was gathered up in Adora's arms. Always strong. Always gentle. Still felt unreal. Catra made no real effort to hug her back. It felt like too much. Her hands still felt like they belonged to someone else. 

Adora leaned back and studied Catra. Her expression still showed relief and unrestrained admiration. It made Catra uneasy. She expected to be more a subject of Adora's scorn. After all it was her own fault for ending up how she was. A broken puppet sitting in the dark, with holes where her strings were snapped. She was the one who decided to seek power instead of safety. The one who abandoned common sense for petty retribution. And she paid the price. But instead Adora just gave a simple, soft smile.

"I apologize if I'm not being very outwardly....emotional, Adora..." The name felt strange in her mouth. It wasn't a feeling she enjoyed. She deep down never wanted Adora's name to feel unfamiliar. "...I don't know if I can physically cry..." She knows all those years ago if there was one person she could let herself cry around was Adora. The one person who held her while she was wracked with so many feelings that words felt useless. Only sobs, and hisses, and claw marks. But now....everything was numb.

Adora just bit down on her lip a moment, sucked in air, and nodded. "That's okay. It's okay Catra. You don't have to...Um...have you ate? I can get you some soup?"

Catra blinked and thought a moment. The rock in her stomach felt...smaller. Adora could always settle her. Even when her self awareness felt wrapped in plastic she still could work some warmth into Catra. She nodded. "Okay..."

* * * * *

Adora held her hand everywhere they went. It was pleasant but also something else... She tried to explain the sensation to Adora but her words weren't adequate. She just gave that small sad smile and said the word was 'grounded'. Catra had smiled back, and nodded. There was a word for the sensation Adora brought. 

Glimmer also spent most of her time near Catra those first few days after she awoke. Her presence wasn't so much grounding as it was...safe. When Adora had to run an errand or fetch something, Glimmer stayed and kept her company, even though Catra was sure she wasn't very good company herself. She couldn't shake the distant numbness and often would forget she was even allowed to move....often she'd be frozen still looking at nothing while Adora or Glimmer just sat and waited for her to remember where she was.

They didn't say anything about it. They just provided comfort and safety. They'd hold her when she looked too lost. Thrown back beyond. Swimming in a dead hive mind. 

Glimmer was there the first time she tried to shower after she woke...She didn't expect there to be a mirror. Suddenly she was staring at herself move and felt...alien. Staring at her naked form while steam built in the room. Staring at the holes and scars. Her miserable eyes. She suddenly was grabbing at her neck and pulling at her face. Damaged. Broken. Worthless doll. 

Glimmer's arms grabbed hers and pulled her claws away from her eyes. "Stop! Catra! Stop it! Come on... Let's sit down for a bit okay? you can shower later."

Catra tensed and nodded. She was bleeding. She kept her eyes on herself in the mirror until she lost sight of the bathroom. She sat naked on the edge of her bed with Glimmer running her fingers along her back. The urge to cry still filled her but her body was too broken.

"...I...don't feel like a person anymore..." Catra quietly confessed. "I'm a walking pile of other people's decisions. And it's so exhausting. I'm so tired, Glimmer. Tired of being alive. I don't know know if I really am."

Glimmer just quietly hummed a moment, her hand still working small circles across Catra's back. "You're here. You're still you. You look different but you're you...Please know me, and Adora are here to remind you you're a person. You're Catra. You're our friend. "

Catra let out a low hum. "I wish I could cry..." She admitted quietly as she slowly slid into Glimmer's arms. 

* * * * *

After the incident with shower, Glimmer quietly had Catra's bathroom mirror removed while she was taking a walk around the garden with Adora. She was informed that there was a hand mirror in the bottom drawer of her desk if she needed a mirror for something. She simply nodded and let Adora lay her down for a nap. 

Adora's fingers through her hair was slowly becoming one of her favorite sensations. Though, Catra supposes that that was one of her favorite sensations before...everything. Now that the burning ache of jealousy and resentment has been cooled by circumstance Catra could only allow herself to simply enjoy the feeling. 

Enjoying anything often felt an impossible chore. Even after a week or two everything felt muted and quiet. Catra's walks with Adora often ended with Catra being overwhelmed by the sunlight or the sight of other people and ask to be led back in. And of course Adora, every time, simply nods with a smile and helps her back inside.

Then one morning Catra decided she was going to go for a walk by herself. She felt physically stable enough. The initial staggering weakness was nearly gone, replaced with simply poor stamina. She had woken up with Adora asleep in the cot next to her. Adora had moved that cot in the first night after Catra woke up. Neither of them thought sharing a bed was a good idea, but Adora insisted she be there during the night in case something happened. 

She left Adora to sleep while she made the short walk to the castle gardens. but very quickly she had to sit on a bench near the entrance a moment to gain back her strength. She hadn't realized how much of her weight Adora had been supporting. The early morning sun beat down on her head. The heat felt nice, and the small satisfaction sent her tail swaying a bit. She shut her eyes and soaked in the warmth. 

Then the warmth became heat. Harsh searing heat. Boiling, scalding heat. Catra opened her eyes and felt herself floating in the pod again. He was changing her again. Rearranging her to his desires. Her body wasn't up to code. Wasn't pleasing him enough. She had to be fixed. 

Catra let out a scream she knew wouldn't be heard behind the glass. The blisteringly hot liquid was in her lungs. Whatever the procedure was it had began. The pain was in her bones. Her skull ached. She knew one day she'd go into one of these vats and never come out. It was her punishment. To live as a memento. 

Then suddenly she was on her knees in the middle gardens of Castle Brightmoon, vomiting. Her body shivered even as she felt like she was burning alive. All she could do was gasp for air in between heaves. 

Eventually Adora found her curled up against a bench and staring into the distance. Her hand clenched the bench leg tightly as she felt Adora's shadow block out the sun. 

"Catra?" Adora leaned down, her blue eyes staring into her four mismatched ones. "Catra, are you okay? Did something happen?"

Catra looked at her and wiped her lips with her wrist. "I vomited into a rose bush..."

Adora gave a soft smile and helped Catra to her feet. "That's okay. Did you want to go brush your teeth?"

"...yes..." Catra mumbled, her body sore and fatigued. Adora held her arm as they made their way back into the castle.

* * * * * *

One afternoon Bow asked to visit her. Apparently he was the one who tracked the signal, who found her, who helped She-Ra get rid of him for good. She was immensely grateful even if her expression of that gratitude was muted. She hoped he wouldn't mind. He'd be the first non-Glimmer or Adora person she's really spoken to beyond the odd healer. She was told Entrapta was a large part of the team that saved her life after she was suddenly snapped from the hive mind, but she hasn't seen any sign of her. It was probably for the best...

Catra let out a long breath, and stared out the window from her bed. Adora was in the middle of reading to her when she noticed Catra clearly lost some place else. She put a hand on Catra's and slowly she turned to look at the blonde. Her four eyes blinked and sent their focus on Adora's face. She appeared used to Catra's grotesque figure now, less grimacing and more solemn sadness quickly hidden with gentle smiles. 

"Bow is visiting me." Catra said quietly, and even. 

"I know. I told you he wanted to see you, remember?" Adora said sweetly.

"Oh...I thought Glimmer did--I thought I remembered Glimmer telling me..." 

Adora patted Catra's hand, then held it gently. "That's okay. It's not important." She kept smiling. "Are you excited to see him? He's been asking about you ever since you woke up. "

"Excited?...hmm.." Catra pulled her chin to her chest in contemplation for a moment. "I suppose. He's not you or Glimmer....talking to others sounds....difficult...Will you stay with me when he comes? " 

Adora looked into her eyes a moment and then nodded. "Of course..."

Catra smiled and returned the nod. "Good."

Bow was loud. She knew that. She...remembered it...he was also very warm. Catra had no idea, beyond courtesy, she supposed, why Bow was so insistent on seeing her as soon as he got back from his work in Dryl. The only strong memories she had of him was facing him in combat. Adora and Glimmer just told her 'that's how he is!' and left it at that. Catra didn't feel convinced. 

Her first thought was he was here to taunt her. To extract some joy from her situation...her brokenness. After all she'd done it felt appropriate. Adora had assured her several times over the last two days, since Bow announced his plan to visit, that Bow wasn't like that. He was just happy to see her. He, like most, assumed she had died years ago. Not proven wrong until they stormed the flagship and saw her sitting on the throne....Him wearing her like a tailored suit. 

Bow's voice was gentle but at a volume just a bit higher than she had been used to the last few weeks. It hurt her ears. Every time his voice would grow excited her hands would slip up to the sides of her head, and Adora would give Bow a pat on the arm and he'd apologize and lower his voice back down. 

Truth be told after all the days of agonizing over speaking to him, Catra found herself falling into memory around him. She didn't feel tethered or real. She was listening to him and suddenly it was ten minutes later and he was talking to Adora about some other thing. She wanted to be engaged, dammit. She wanted to try. But she was back disappearing into her own head. 

"--rry It's not the most excited subject, I know. " Then he was looking at her. 

"What?" Catra asked slowly.

Bow's smile didn't falter, even as his eyes looked sad. "It's okay. Never mind....Are you doing okay, Catra?"

"I'm fine." She said curtly, staring at him a moment the slid down her bed and turned away from Adora and Bow. "I keep getting lost. That's all." She said quietly. 

Adora's hand ran up and down her arm. "Lost in the memories?" Catra gave a little nod. "That's okay, Catra. It happens. We both understand."

"Of course!" Bow said cheerily. And loud. Catra's hands shot up to her ears. "..Sorry...oh! I brought you a journal! I figure it might help to...I dunno, navigate what is and isn't real, you know?"

Catra rolled over and looked at the bound leather book in Bow's hand. She took it and ran her claws gently against the front of it. "Thank you..." Catra clutched the book to her chest and rolled back away from Bow. He merely patted her shoulder and got up and left. Adora followed, presumably to say good bye. 

Talking to others really was too difficult. 

* * * * * *

The next night she woke up screaming so loud and furiously that Adora rushed to grab Glimmer from across the hall. They both held her while sweat soaked her fur, and her voice wouldn't stop ripping through her body. She didn't know where she was. She knew she was in Brightmoon but was lost in the lingering sensation. Her nightmare was gone but the visceral sensation of memory remained. 

She shook and trembled in the pair of arms for hours while she sucked in air. Her throat ached. She couldn't bring herself to sleep for two days after. 

* * * * * *

Adora sat her down one morning and asked if she would want to talk to someone new. Catra was hesitant. She had no real success in even talking to two people who have professed their affection for her. The thought of trying again after Bow felt...daunting. She had been reassured several times that Bow enjoyed talking to her, but, she knew, deep down, it was probably dull and frankly sad to try and have a conversation with her. 

Adora held Catra's hand gently. "I like talking to you. Glimmer does too! We like being around you. Okay?"

Catra looked away. A hot burning itch in the back of her skull told her to lash out at Adora and demand to be taken seriously. To be told how gross and vile she was. Or to just claw her. But instead she hung her head and mumbled. "...Am I me anymore?"

Adora's constant soft smile dropped, and her brow furrowed. "Of course you are." She said with upmost conviction. "You're still Catra....just Catra after being through...a lot of stuff..." She ran her fingers through Catra's hair. "You're Catra." She said softly, almost like a secret. "And you always will be, okay?" Adora wrapped her arms around her. 

Catra could only nod as she let herself be held. 

Reluctantly Catra agreed to meet with the person Adora mentioned. Adora simply said they were someone she felt like might understand what Catra is going through. She also had warned that the visitor may be a bit excitable, but that she'd stay in the room with them in case Catra found it overwhelming. That made agreeing a bit more acceptable. 

But the moment Adora guided the old woman through the door Catra had second thoughts. She pulled her blanket up to neck. The top most maintenance ports on her chest were usually visible under the edge of her shirt, and she didn't know how this woman would react to them, so she decided to obscure them. Adora had offered to give them shirts that went higher but for some reason not being able to see them made their being there feel worse, so the issue was dropped. 

Adora smiled brightly. "Catra. Meet Razz." Her firm hands gripped the ancient looking woman gently by the shoulder as she shut the door behind her. "She's a friend of mine I met when I first became She-ra." Adora moved to sit in the chair by Catra's bed but before she sat down she leaned in so only Catra can hear her. "She gets lost too." 

Catra turned her eyes on Razz and studied her a moment. The woman seemed to be doing the same from behind the enormous lenses of her glasses. Her old eyes were huge and curious. She then looked around the room and darted to a crystal hanging on the wall and held it between her thin, long fingers. 

"Good afternoon, Razz." Catra said, hesitantly. Her voice was weaker than she would have liked. She'd chalk it up to nervousness but right now it was perhaps mostly disuse. Even weeks later she still wasn't comfortable speaking very much at all. 

Razz gave a small look to Catra and then turned back to the crystal in her hands. "Hello, dearie." Adora gave Catra's hand a gentle, reassuring pet. Then the woman was much closer. She hadn't even noticed her move. Was she losing time again, or was that woman that fast...Catra couldn't tell. 

The old woman leaned into Catra, who tried to scamper back against the headboard. The woman just stared. Her wide, big eyes grew intensely sad. She furrowed her brow a moment. "...Oh...what has he done to you, Catra?..."

"..what?" Catra quietly wheezed out as all the air in her lungs felt punched out. 

She leaned in over the bed, her eyes growing larger in Catra's vision. "Brave, strong Catra...what has he done?..." 

Catra latched onto Adora's hand and clenched. Adora let out a sharp noise, reacting to Catra's claw digging into ther skin, but squeezed her hand back in reassurance. 

"I...I was chosen as Horde Prime's vessel." Catra tried to say matter of factly but her voice was pathetically small. 

"Hmm" Razz hummed. She leaned away from Catra and turned to Adora. "Mara dearie, are we gathering wood today? You have such big strong arms! Good for carrying things!" Razz flapped her thin arms a moment. "Mine not so much..."

Adora gave a little giggle. It was a blessed sound. "Later, Razz. After me and Swifty drop you off. " She smiled warmly.

Razz seemed to be confused by the answer a moment and then gave a firm nod. "Okay!" She wheeled around and turned her big eyes onto Catra. Being under her gaze made Catra uneasy but she wasn't certain why. It was like she was looking inside of her....she didn't like that....

He had seen inside her. He had shattered her self and took joy in every moment. He knows all. He sees all. No thoughts were hers. None he couldn't use. She wasn't really Catra anymore. She was a thing. 

"Catra?" Adora was looking at her. Razz was in the corner enjoying a big comfy armchair. She was running her hand along Catra's wrist. Grounding her. 

"Yes?" Catra asked still looking forward. 

"Do you want me to take Razz home?" Catra gave a slow nod. "Okay." Adora smiled and stood up. "Come on Razz. Time to head back. I can help you chop wood too if you want." 

Razz grinned and quickly was by Adora's side. She looked back at Catra. Her chest felt cold. She didn't want to be looked at. She clenched her eyes closed. She pulled the sheets between her claws. "Don't....look at me...". She let out a series of heavy breaths. 

Then she opened her eyes again and noticed the room was empty. The shadows on the wall were longer. How long had she had her eyes closed? Did Adora leave her? She quickly turned her head and found Glimmer sitting in the chair Adora had been sitting in, reading. 

"Glimmer?" Catra whispered out.

Glimmer suddenly jolted, surprised by Catra's voice. She set the book down on her her knee."Oh. Hi Catra!" She gave a gentle smile. "Is everything okay? Did you want something to eat?" Catra shook her head. Glimmer frowned. "Have you eaten today?"

"I don't...know..." Catra looked down at the holes in her chest a moment. "Did I talk to Razz today?" 

Glimmer gave her usual sad smile that never reached her eyes and nodded. "Yes, Catra. Adora brought her for a visit this morning."

"Oh...I closed my eyes and they were gone." Glimmer laid her hand on top of Catra's, giving it a gentle pat. "I only talked with her for a few minutes before I lost myself....Why is being a person so difficult?"

Glimmer frowned a moment but kept her hand on Catra's. "I don't know. It's so difficult. More difficult for some, sure." Her smile returned. "But, hey, I have you. You have Adora. She loves you. All of you. You're healing, Catra. Cut yourself some slack."

Catra looked at her free hand, her claws dimly reflecting the light from the window. This hand has killed. This hand has directed troops. This hand has cut Adora. This hand has self-mutilated and self-sabotaged. But all she can do with it now is clutch her sheets and pray for the clouds to clear.


End file.
